


if you weren't just an online love

by never_bloom_again



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Back Together, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Online Dating, Past though - Freeform, Refers to CSA, Then they broke up, Tumblr Prompt, again in the past though, and then its kinda like the start of s1, but be careful!!, but elle and garcia join before spencer, but we love them anyway, moreid used to be online boyfriends, not graphic though, these boys are idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:48:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 12,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26510917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/never_bloom_again/pseuds/never_bloom_again
Summary: It would without a doubt come as a great shock to the Behavioural Analysis Unit team members that Derek had been in a long term relationship, and at that, a committed one, not a quick fling or dalliance more about sex than emotions.It would not, however, surprise them that this had been a one time occurrence, although there were a myriad of other elements of it that would. Primarily? That it had been with a man, but also that it occurred online, and that even over a year after the relationship’s end, he would still go back to Spencer without a second thought.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 151
Kudos: 298





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! this is my new multichapter fic, based of a request on tumblr! it is basically that spencer and derek were dating online, and then broke up because of the distance. then, spencer joins the bau later.  
> I have kept the team to be the team from s1, however basically imagine that spencer joined when elle did (but not under the circumstances elle came - he still joined because of gideon), and as such, garcia is already one the team before spencer (i hope this makes sense, ask me to clarify if you need!)

Apparently, Gideon had a new protege. A kid, who from all Derek had heard, despite being quite the genius, barely made it into the FBI, with the usually mandatory fitness tests being waived for him, and no attempt even being made to try and give him a gun. That was, if the rumour mill was to be trusted.

To say Derek was unexcited to meet the new kid would be an understatement - the last thing he needed was to have to look after some hopeless, useless newbie, pretend that he liked him, and wait out him inevitably leaving when he realised what the job really involved, that it wasn’t some desk job where he could solve problems, but a real, hands on job, where people got hurt, died, and that was life.

Whilst he trusted Gideon, he was also slightly skeptical of the supposed genius - how smart could he really be? After meeting Spencer, his ex-boyfriend, Derek had gained very high standards for the capabilities of a genius, and he wasn’t sure this newbie would reach them.

The other team members did not seem so doubtful about the kid, which almost made Derek feel bad, but Derek had not been a trusting person for a long time, so he figured he could excuse it - this wasn’t something specific to this incoming kid. It wasn’t as though he  _ wanted _ the new guy to be a disappointment either, he just preferred to brace himself for it.

His eyes alternated between the door and the clock as he awaited the kid’s arrival, occasionally glancing back down at his work to keep up the image that he was actually doing work - not that anyone was fooled, nor cared. Most of the team were buzzing with excitement over the new agent’s imminent arrival, a pleasant change from the gloom that had seemed to be stuck over them for the months following Agent Hazelton’s death, since Gideon’s suspension. Even if he wasn’t excited about the idea of the new kid, and who he was, Derek did desperately hope that some new blood would help make this shift a permanent one.

It seemed as though the newbie couldn’t even be on time on his first day, something which frustrated Derek to no end. Not only was he going to end up having to babysit this guy who hadn’t even been able to properly get into the FBI, but he was going to have to deal with someone who was either highly disorganised, had really bad luck, or was just chronically late - none of which were things that were good qualities for an agent in the BAU. Gideon really must be losing it if he thought that this kid was going to work on the team, and Derek hadn’t even met him yet.

“Hello, my delicious piece of chocolate!” Garcia said excitedly as she walked to his desk.

“Hey Baby Girl,” Derek responded, grateful for the distraction from the door and the clock, both of which were quickly losing interest, despite knowing that any minute, the new 

“Do you know when the new guy is coming?” she asked, beginning her standard rapidfire speaking, “He is supposed to be starting today, right? I can’t wait to meet him, although I’m sure he will be nowhere near as perfect as you!”

Derek couldn’t help but grin - he really had found his (platonic) soulmate in Penelope Garcia, even when he was moping about a new agent, she could brighten up his day immeasurably. He swore it was some kind of magic power of hers - if anyone were to have magic, it would be her, anyway.

“The newbie is running a bit late, I think, that’s all. And I had better hope that you don’t plan on letting this kid replace me! Can’t have anyone stealing my girl!”

That was when Derek realised how quiet the rest of the bullpen had gone, highlighting the single gasp that he heard following his words. He turned his head around again to face the door, where he had neglected looking during his quick chat with Garcia, and saw the source of the noise.

A familiar set of eyes met his, and he quickly took in the man in front of him - although he was slightly taller and healthy looking than when Derek had last seen him, the cute face, the lanky limbs, the nerdy haircut - they all gave him away.

It was all that Derek could do to keep his jaw from dropping to the floor at the sight, the sight of a man he had never expected to see again, not in real life, not in the office, not anywhere but in his dreams.

But there he was, as clear as day, as real as everyone else in the building with them. 

Gideon cleared his throat, getting everyone’s attention, stopping the eyes of those around them from flickering between Derek, Garcia and the new agent, releasing it was much more important to listen to what the Senior Agent was about to discuss than to contemplate the newbie’s shock at Derek and Garcia’s slightly unconventional friendship.

“As you all are aware, today we are getting a new agent joining this team. I would like you all to meet Dr. Spencer Reid, the BAU’s newest team member.”

  
  


Not that he had ever doubted it, but Derek’s recognition had been correct. This definitely would  _ not _ go well.


	2. Chapter 2

_ Oh shit. _

Derek blanched as he realised that the team around him had begun to introduce themselves while he had been panicking, and were all waiting for him to say something.

“Uh- Hey man,” Derek began, still too shocked to properly respond. “I’m Derek Morgan.”

Spencer, despite clearly recognising him, seemed much less startled by his presence. That made sense though, as he thought about it, Gideon had probably told him about the team, and Derek had mentioned that he was aiming to get into the BAU when they were together.

That just made Derek angry - if it was the former that was the reason Spencer expected him, then Spencer still had his number, he could have at least sent a text in warning, or if it were the latter, then it seemed slightly unfair of Spencer, knowing that Derek worked there, before he had even applied to the BAU, to start working there, especially after essentially breaking up with Derek because of it.

But it wasn’t the time to be angry, that could wait until he wasn’t in front of the team. Maybe he could go to the gym during his break or something, let off some steam, but until then, he’d act as if nothing was wrong.

Unfortunately, he suspected that adopting that act now would do nothing to help save him from an interrogation from Elle, who had been looking at him, inspecting him, ever since Spencer walked through the door.

As the brief introductions were completed, Derek returned to his desk, not particularly optimistic that he would be getting any more work done than he had been before.

Derek hoped he would be able to talk to Spencer privately, even just briefly, to see what he was planning on saying if anyone were to ask, what his side of the story was. Unfortunately, given the way Garcia and JJ had latched on to him, Derek suspected Spencer wasn’t going to get any time alone soon.

He tapped the end of his pen on his desk as he absentmindedly watched JJ and Garcia taking Spencer for a tour through the offices, busy thinking of ways to get the boy alone. There was no way that they would let Derek steal Spencer away, so he needed an alternative.

Derek wondered if Spencer would even want to be around him, if he wanted to acknowledge their past but keep it a secret, move on, if he wanted to pretend it never happened, or maybe if he would be interested in beginning to rekindle their relationship.

Although he wouldn’t voice it, Derek hoped it was the latter.

But in his consideration of their past relationship, Derek did achieve something other than wistful ideation. He had a plan, one which hinged on two variables - that Spencer hadn’t changed his phone number, and didn’t have Derek’s number blocked. The first of those was unlikely - Spencer was seemingly allergic to new technology, only updating when things no longer worked or he was forced to. The second? Well Derek wasn’t so sure. He hadn’t changed numbers since the break up, and at the end, he would be lying if there weren’t some drunk, desperate texts pleading for Spencer to agree to try and make it work. Messages that were never responded to, that Derek wasn’t even sure had been read.

Regardless, he had few, if any, other options, so trying a text would be the way to go.

Derek cringed as he pressed on Spencer’s contact and saw the messages he had sent, now over a year ago, that begged Spencer to take him back. He should have known it never would have worked, that Spencer wouldn’t want him back, and that even if he did, drunk texts would probably stop that.

He slowly tapped out a message on his phone, carefully trying to articulate what he wanted to say, something much easier said than done. Spencer had always been the one who had a way with words.

**Derek Morgan:** hey spencer, i know this is kind of awkward, but i was wondering if we could chat later today

Derek hoped it sounded casual enough. 

Thankfully, the world seemed to have taken pity on Derek, just in this instance, because he saw Spencer reach for his phone in his worn old messenger bag.

**Spencer Reid:** I think that is a good idea. Do you want to wait until the end of the day, or meet sooner?

Well some things never changed. Derek was weirdly glad to see that Spencer had still maintained his oddly formal form of texting, to see that not everything has changed.

**Derek Morgan:** idm, im fine with after work if u wanna meet up then, bc i think ur gonna have trouble getting away from baby girl and jj :p

It frustrated Derek to no end trying to text Spencer as though everything was over for him, because even though Spencer was likely unaware of it, Derek’s heart was being pulled back by him.

He hated it. He thought he had moved on, but apparently not, and Derek knew that seeing Spencer every day was not going to make things easier.

**Spencer Reid:** Okay, that sounds good. Let me know where I should meet you.

He could do that, he could work out the details, and there it was! Crisis one, soon to be averted.

Crisis two however? Elle and her endless meddling and nosiness. That was still to be dealt with.

Christ. Was Derek  _ ever _ going to get a break?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed!   
> come and interact with me on tumblr @abitcriminalminds
> 
> speaking of tumblr, here is a short paragraph thing i wrote for a tumblr writing ask thing that is set before the beginning of this story:  
> He hadn’t been expecting that. Derek had thought that their relationship was strong, that it was going to last. Clearly Spencer saw it differently. He knew his move to Quantico had them further apart than before, but he had been willing to make the effort - he was going to fly to meet Spencer at Caltech before he started at the Bureau. At least with the break-up, he could save the cost of the flight - instead spend it on some expensive booze to drown his sorrows.
> 
> i would really appreciate it if you commented! it helps keep me way more motivated to write and update!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!! im sorry this took a while and is very short... life has been busier than planned, and i keep getting distracted! as such, this is not the best, but i hope that you can enjoy it anyway :) also sorry if its all kind of introspective... dialogue is my weakness, so i try to minimise it - gonna have to face that in some way next chapter though!

No. As it turned out, Derek was not going to catch a break.

As was to be expected when one worked for the BAU, whenever one has plans, a case would, inevitably, come up.

This was, unfortunately for Derek, no exception to that rule. 

Just as it was nearing 6:00pm, when all of them could head home, and Derek could meet up with Spencer to work out exactly what the fuck was going on, Hotch exited his office, and called the team into the briefing room. 

Apparently this new case was urgent, and they had to fly out to New Mexico as soon as possible - the killer was on a spree, and there was little to no chance of the local PD catching him, if what Hotch had been saying was any indication.

So that fucked up any chance of Derek getting to talk to Spencer, (Reid, he mentally corrected himself - the team, whilst they may have ignored it had he said it around the office, would without a doubt question it even more in the field. They all went by their last names in the field.) Now he would have to find an alternative, and also put up with an entire case of tension. He hoped the case would finish quickly, because that was going to stretch it out considerably.

“Wheels up in 30,” Hotch finalised as they all left to grab their go bags, and began to make any calls they had to before they left. Derek sent off a couple of quick texts to his neighbour and the dog walker, letting them know that Clooney would need to be fed and walked while he was away.

After that, he began to slowly meander to the jet, aiming to waste as much time as he could to avoid being caught alone (and therefore being interrogated) by Elle - as well as JJ, if she had said anything, which was most definitely a possibility.

Derek sighed as he heard footsteps behind him - he knew it would be one of his team’s members, and assuming it was one of the girls, and that he had failed in achieving his aim, and as such, he didn’t pay all that much attention to them.

It was only when the person making those footsteps reached him that Derek noticed that he was wrong - it was definitely not one of the girls - instead, it was a rather frazzled looking Spen- Reid, whose face was red from jogging slightly to keep up, and whose slightly gelled down hair had fallen loose in parts.

_ The disheveled look suits him, _ Derek thought. He wasn’t such a fan of the styling of Spencer’s hair, all straight and neat and so un-Spencer - he wished that he still had the long, shaggy curls that Derek had known from when… well from in the past.

A past that had them at this awkward impasse - they had to talk about what they were going to do, who they were to one another, but they had mere moments until another BAU member would inevitably join them.

They both began to awkwardly climb the stairs up to the jet, both wanting to look at the other, but not wanting to be seen doing so, both needing to speak, but neither game enough to say anything.

Because even if Derek wanted to pretend otherwise, this would be one of the defining moments of his life. It could, and would, very easily change his life - Spencer was the love of his life, even if they hadn’t spoken in around a year, ( _ Spencer probably could say to the seconds,  _ Derek thought) he was the one. 

This would decide if he lost him forever, had to go back to pretending he loved sleeping with random chicks in bars, trying desperately to move on in vain, or if he got to finally continue on the path to accepting himself, something he was sure he couldn’t do on his own.

Spencer was good for him, that could never be doubted. He made Derek a better person, kinder to others, but also himself. Spencer had helped him overcome some of his internal battles, that he was ruined by his past, that he couldn’t be who he was, that he was failing - all things that he had begun to fall back into believing without Spencer.

He knew it was probably unhealthy to see it that he couldn’t be himself without Spencer, but it was true.

But it wasn’t Spencer’s problem to solve all of Derek’s issues. If it was better for Spencer to not have anything to do with him, then that’s what they’d do. If it was just friends? He could work with that. If he wanted to pick up what they had once had-  _ I shouldn’t keep thinking like this, _ Derek interrupted his train of thought before it could go any further there,  _ I’ll just get my hopes up to have them inevitably torn back down when he wants to pretend nothing ever happened. _

  
  


“Der- uh, Morgan, I… I think we need to talk.”

  
_ Yes,  _ Derek thought.  _ Yes we do. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope that you enjoyed!
> 
> come talk/interact with me on tumblr! @abitcriminalminds  
> also be on the look out on tumblr, because soon, for the quickly upcoming 1000 followers mark, i will be taking drabble prompts, and id like to get many people interested and requesting :)


	4. Chapter 4

After quickly glancing out of the jet, and seeing that they only had a minute or two before the team was in hearing distance, Derek began to speak.

“We don’t have long Reid, so just let me know how you want me to act, who you want me to be.”

Derek knew that it was not very polite, but he was lacking patience, and they were both lacking time. He did feel a bit bad, knowing that the situation wasn’t just taking a toll on him, but that it had to be incredibly stressful for Spencer, who he knew would already be nervous enough in a new place, surrounded by people who he mostly didn’t know.

He also hated that this was what their first real face to face conversation was going to be. Derek had dreamed of this, even though he hadn’t expected to see Spencer again, but never once had he imagined that they would be hurriedly discussing what they would be accepting as their relationship.

“Morgan, I, I’m so sorry… I didn’t realise it was your team. Gideon never said. I mean, looking at it in hindsight, I should have known, but-”

Yeah right, a likely story. Derek had not known Spencer to miss a thing like that for all the time that they had been together. His sympathy for the situation was fast dissolving as Spencer continued on, not answering the question. They didn’t have the time for that, goddammit.

“Spence, come on, we don’t have time for this. How do you want me to act, Pretty Boy? It’s up to you.”

Derek cursed himself on multiple counts as he processed what he had just said - not only had he slipped, calling Spencer not just his first name, but also Pretty Boy, his favourite pet name for Spencer since the very beginning of their relationship, but he had also given away the one thing he had still held close to his chest.

  
Derek made it very evident in his words that he would do anything, be anyone that Spencer wanted him to be, because even after almost a year, Derek was still hopeless when attempting to make decisions combatting what his still strong love for Spencer told him.

He hated that not only was that the way that his life was, but that now he had given it away. Derek was never one to underestimate Spencer’s skills, and as such was definitely aware of the very possible reality that Spencer was now aware of this - and Spencer could definitely use his genius for evil there, not that it seemed like the kind of thing that he would do, but it had been a year, and a lot could change in that time.

“I can’t, Der, I can’t-”

Well that ambiguous statement could mean a lot of things, but given that the team were about to start making their way up the stairs to the jet, Derek had to go with the most obvious meaning. He couldn’t acknowledge their past - which made sense, although it hurt. It could easily serve to be an impediment to his progress in the BAU, the FBI already frowned on fraternization withing teams and even departments enough, let alone a gay, interracial couple, given the bureaus less than progressive reputation.

“Okay, then we won’t. Clean slate.”

He quickly said that before shutting up in order to prevent the rest of the team from hearing anything on the matter. Spencer clearly didn’t want that.

The disdain he felt for Spencer’s decision was unjustified, he knew that - he had given Spence the choice, and if that was the way he felt? Well at least he wasn’t lying to Derek or giving him a false hope about where this would be going. 

Hopefully JJ would continue to latch on to Spencer, obsessing over him and introducing him to the job, so at least Derek wouldn’t have to deal with facing him quite as much.

It was almost funny how something Derek had wished would happen for a year had finally come to be true, but now that it’d happened, he wished more than anything that he could go back to a time before. It was eating him up inside after less than one day - how was he going to cope with it being permanent?

Derek didn’t know yet, but he would work it out. He may not ever be the smartest on the team, especially not with the likes of Spencer (Reid, he kept correcting himself, to no avail) or Garcia, but he would come up with something - he had to.

He hadn’t suffered, he hadn’t fought and he hadn’t sacrificed his own happiness for so many years to get here, just to now give up because of love.

He would just have to find a way to get over it. Maybe he didn’t even need love anyway - not if this was the way the world was giving it to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed this! these dumbass boys and their miscommunications... also im sorry for making derek so bitter towards the end :(( but it will get better eventually! i promise!
> 
> please leave comments and kudos to let me know what you thought/where you'd like to see this going! they really help motivate me!


	5. Chapter 5

Well the trip on the jet was awkward, to say the very least. Derek had spent the last 6 hours locked in a tiny jet with his ex and four of his colleagues and friends, one of whom was more than slightly nosy about things that definitely did not concern her.

So yeah. Awkward was an understatement. 

By the end of the flight, Derek was certain even Gideon, who had little to no interest in any of his colleagues' lives, seemed to be suspicious of the two of them. He hoped that Gideon wouldn’t say anything to him though - that would be a unique form of torture that he wasn’t sure that he would ever recover from.

As bad as it sounded, and contrary to what he would have said hours earlier when they first found out that they had been called out, Derek was actually grateful for the spree killer they were on their way to catch - discussing the case, and then profiling and catching him would be a nice reprieve from this chaos that his life had turned into over the last 12 hours.

As they were preparing for landing, Hotch began to speak.

“Given that it is pretty late, and there have been no new deaths, we will go straight to the hotel when we touch down, so that we will all be ready to go tomorrow morning. We have four rooms, Gideon and I will each take one, beyond that, you can work it out amongst yourselves.”

Yeah, the world really fucking hated Derek Morgan. There was not a single way that this rooming arrangement thing could go well. If he was with JJ, then Spencer would be with Elle. Elle Greenaway. The nosiest person on the team. Somehow, Derek did not think that Spencer would be able to keep up the lie that they had agreed on through an Elle interrogation, and he was definitely going to get one if they were roomed together, given her obvious suspicion.

If Elle was with JJ, then that would solve the nosiness issue - although it might end up with JJ and Garcia also investigating their history. If Garcia investigated this, and found out, as she obviously would - she was the goddess of everything technological after all - it would be quickly know to not only her, but also the entirety of the team (even Gideon - and oh god, Gideon knowing about any of his relationships would be bad, but to find out that Derek had dated his protegee… Derek hoped he did not live to see that day), as well as the rest of the department. And that wasn’t even the biggest issue.

That would leave Spencer and Derek together, and that was the last thing they needed. After their rushed conversation on the plane, spending a night together in a hotel room in the middle of New Mexico? Not something at all desirable.

It was almost funny how thing Derek had once dreamed of now seemed like unique and cruel forms of torture.

So that left one more option - Elle with Derek, and Spencer with JJ. It made sense - JJ and Spencer got along well, by the looks of things, so there would be no problems on that front.

Unfortunately that left Derek to deal with the fun that would be Elle while determined to find something out. Derek loved her like a sister, but oh, could she be terrifying, frustrating and aggravating at the same time - truly a force to be reckoned with. It would not be a fun night.

However, Derek knew what to be expecting, and had a much higher chance of holding back the truth from her, and he would prefer for that to happen over the alternative. He could deal with her being suspicious, no matter how irritating, much more easily than he could her meddling to try and interfere with their relationship.

He looked over at Elle and winked, before joking, “Sweetheart, are you ready to have the night of your life with me?”

Elle rolled her eyes and fake gagged in response. 

“Yeah right, Morgan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! i know this is short, but i wanted to save what happens beyond here to go in another chapter, plus i wanted to be able to get this out to you since my writing might be delayed by school unfortunately. but i hope you are enjoying this as much as i am writing it! i would really appreciate comments to let me know what you think of this so far!
> 
> also ty @ebbyspaghetti for giving me ideas :)
> 
> as always, feel free to come and chat with me on tumblr @abitcriminalminds <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is short! But it's been a while, and I thought I should at least get something posted!

All the way to the hotel, in the SUV, Elle was giving Morgan weird looks. He was very grateful for Hotch’s presence, which was delaying the - albeit inevitable - conversation.

God, being alone in a room with her overnight was not going to be fun.

Thankfully, Derek was granted slight mercy in that they managed to have beaten Spencer, JJ and Gideon to the hotel, so he was saved from an awkward encounter with Spencer.

_ Not Spencer, _ he repeated in his head like a mantra,  _ Reid. Why couldn’t he get it through his head.  _ **_Reid_ ** _ wasn’t his Pretty Boy, his Baby Boy, his Sweetheart, his Spencer. Not anymore, and never again. _

By the time that they had reached he and Elle had reached the room that they would be sharing, the interrogation had already begun, although much more subtly than Derek was sure it would eventually be.

“So, Morgan, what do you think of the new kid?”

_ He hates being called ‘kid’. People have only ever used it to belittle him or be condescending. _

“Well he  _ looks _ like a genius,” Derek began, trying to think back to what he had been expecting, before he had known that it was Spencer.

“He looks like he would be knocked over in a slight breeze. I can’t believe we are actually bringing him into the field.”

Derek felt bad criticising Spencer, especially about things Derek knew he was insecure about, even though he wasn’t there. But it would be better than Elle finding out about their relationship, especially since Spencer wanted it to be a secret - this was the price that he would pay for that.

Unfortunately, his disparaging remarks seemed to be doing nothing to satiate Elle’s curiosity.

“Yeah right.”

Morgan raised his eyebrows at her, grateful for his ability to keep an otherwise straight face, despite the emotions that had been building up inside of him all day. He hadn’t even had time alone to properly deal with the fact that he would be working with his ex, that the guy he loved didn’t want to date him, anything. So now, being interrogated by his coworker, who wasn’t believing him (although she was correct in believing that he was lying), was getting to be too much.

“Elle, I’m tired, okay? Can you just let this go?”

Elle gave an almost remorseful look to him.

“Morgan, I’m not just asking this to be nosy. I’m worried about you.” 

And oh god, if that wasn’t out of character for Elle. She wasn’t the type to worry about others, only to stick her nose into their business, so if after just a day of working with Spencer, he had managed to garner her concern, it wasn’t a good sign.

“Am I really hiding it that badly?” Derek asked her, praying the answer would be no, although it was more than likely a yes.

“If we were normal people? You would be doing a great job. But we are profilers, so I don’t know how you expected to hide that  _ something _ is going on between you two.”

Derek sighed. He hadn’t wanted to tell her anything, but it was getting tempting, if just to get it off of his shoulders.

“I- He doesn’t want to tell anyone. He… he just wants us to forget it! I… I don’t think I can do it.”

Derek knew it wasn’t particularly in Elle’s nature to sit around and listen, not that she wasn’t nice or caring, she just wasn’t in that way, so he was grateful for her listening.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked, and against his better judgement, he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm once again sorry this is so short! I am trying to update more frequently, so the chapters are consequently getting shorter. Regardless, I hope you enjoy!!

“I love him Elle, I never stopped loving him, but he stopped loving me. How am I supposed to deal with that?” Derek lamented, laid back on one of the two beds in the hotel room. He turned over onto his side to look at his co-worker, who lay on the other bed next to him.

She rolled her eyes. “Boys,” she moaned in disdain, “are idiots.” 

Before Derek could come up with something to say in response, to refute her statement (although, if Derek felt like being honest with himself, which he didn’t, not on this, wasn’t actually all that false), Elle continued on once again.

“You could have fucking  _ told him that _ ,” she said, voice full of somewhat fond exasperation. “His ex corners him and tells him to make up his mind, are they going to get back together or not, and with no information on what you feel, you expect him to answer.

“Yeah no shit he didn’t say he liked you. What did you expect?”

Derek was completely unsurprised by Elle telling him, essentially, that he was stupid. One would not go to her unless they were looking for tough love. She lived by the line that if you were looking for sympathy, it could be found in the dictionary between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’.

But she was, in her own way, helpful, and honestly, the best option Derek had. Anything he said to JJ or Garcia would be fed straight back to Spencer, and even the thought of talking about something like that with Hotch, or, God forbid, Gideon, was enough to make him shudder.

“Well what was I supposed to do? Profess my love, when the team could walk in any moment, to a man that has probably moved on from me?” Derek questioned, crossing his arms over his chest, subconsciously becoming defensive from Elle’s inquisition into the logic of his decisions.

“That would have been better than doing what you did on the plane! The kid is probably scared half to death, in a new environment, with people he mostly doesn’t know, as well as his ex-boyfriend and his mentor. So yeah, maybe you should have done that.” Elle said matter-of-factly, leaving no room for Derek to argue, which was probably for the best, as he was becoming more defensive, and his temper was rising.

He rolled back onto his back and stared at the roof, attempting to calm himself down. He questioned all the decisions he had made in regards to Spencer. Was he in the wrong? Could he have pressured Spencer or made him uncomfortable in what was surely a difficult situation?

The target of Derek’s anger began to shift from Elle to himself. How self-centered did he have to be to not have even considered how Spencer was feeling in those moments?

But he couldn’t just go and take it back now. Spencer had given him an answer, and Derek couldn’t go against his wishes just because of some niggling feeling that the answer he had received wasn’t necessarily what he truly wanted to say, or meant.

“I fucked up, didn’t I?” he asked, already knowing the answer he was going to get. It was just as much a question for himself as Elle though.

When he looked over to where Elle was lying, she gave him a pitying look as she nodded.

“You really did this time, Morgan.”

“I need to make this right,” Derek decided. He pursed his lips as he began to think how he could subtly prove that he wanted Spencer, so that he would know that, even if it turned out he really didn’t like Derek anymore.

“Yeah, you do,” she gave him a skeptical look, raising her eyebrows. “But you better not fuck it up that badly again this time. Think you can handle that?”

After Derek didn’t say anything for a moment, still lost in his thoughts, she took that as an answer.

“Well, it's a good thing that you have me here to fix your messes then, isn’t it?”

Derek grimaced at that - he had enough experience with meddling women from his sisters, when he had been younger, that he knew whatever Elle had planned was likely not going to be fun for him - that being said, it would likely be effective, despite the pain or humiliation he was likely to undergo. Reluctantly agreeing, he sighed.

“I guess it is.”

The look on Elle’s face at that meant that if he hadn’t been frightened for what she was planning already, he was then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave me a comment or kudos to let me know what you thought! :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is like double the length of most chapters, but i thought it worked best as one long chapter! i hope you enjoy!

Derek had no clue what to expect from Elle and her scheming, but it wasn’t this. This was some new level of torture.

The case had been easier than expected - they had been able to find the unsub with little difficulty; he had been apprehended in the act, thanks to an extremely accurate geographic profile from their new “Boy Genius”, as the girls had taken to calling him.

Throughout the day, any time Derek would mention “Reid” (He had somehow managed not to slip up and call him Spencer, something Derek considered to be a minor miracle), or would even glance at him, Elle would shoot him a knowing look, one that had Derek reconsidering the ethics of murder.

It was some crazy level of hell, but felt like heaven compared to what the evening had to bring.

The jet was not going to be ready until the next day, so they had to choose between flying commercial - which received a general consensus of no’s from the whole team - or staying an extra night in the hotel. 

The hotel was obviously the better choice, because whilst it wasn’t as comfortable as being at home, and they did have to double up, there were two beds per room, and although there was little else, they were comfortable and clean, especially when compared to many of the places they had stayed in the past, which looked like crime scenes as much as the murder sites they visited.

Unfortunately, being at the hotel left Elle with far too much opportunity to carry out her plan.

“I’m sleeping with JJ tonight,” she proclaimed loudly. “I refuse to sleep with Morgan and his snoring again. I’ve already moved her stuff to our room, so you boys are in here.”

The four youngest agents were in a room together, quietly celebrating the quick case with some wine and cheap snacks that they had been able to buy without being seen by Hotch, who would likely not be impressed by them throwing a mini party out of their hotel room when they should be writing their reports.

At Elle’s announcement, JJ gave her a confused look, aware that Derek did not snore, from years of sharing rooms, but certainly did not look displeased at the idea. Derek on the other had was glaring daggers at her. 

Whilst yes, it would be awkward for Derek, he could live with that, but as she pointed out, Derek had probably made Spencer uncomfortable, and he didn’t want to continue to do that.

Derek looked to Spencer to try and get a feel for how he was responding to the news that they would be sharing a room. 

Spencer, as he had been most of the evening, had been sitting awkwardly in the corner, despite the girl’s cajoling to get him to join in the conversation more.

When there was no response from him, the girls took that as agreement (not that Elle would have taken no for an answer). They finished their glasses of wine, beginning to certainly get tipsy. 

Normally, Derek would have attributed what happened next to Elle’s slightly drunk state, however given her plan, he was not giving her the benefit of the doubt for spilling wine onto one of the beds.

“Oh! Shit!” she exclaimed in what Derek was certain was mock surprise, as she jumped up from the bed that she was sitting on.

There was no way that either of them were going to be able to sleep on that bed - not given that there was no way that the wine would dry before they went to bed, and it would still smell strongly of wine regardless.

They couldn’t go and get fresh sheets, not without alerting Hotch to what they had been doing, which would without a doubt earn them a lecture that Derek could not be bothered dealing with. They would definitely have to leave Room Service a considerable tip in the morning too.

“Well maybe you girls should go to your room now,” Derek suggested, before Elle could make any more trouble in the name of setting him and Spencer up.

He corralled the reluctant girls out of him and Spencer’s room and into their own before returning to have the awkward conversation of where they would sleep.

“I can take the floor,” Derek immediately offered, willing to do whatever he could to minimise Spencer’s discomfort, even if it meant his back, neck, shoulders, his whole body, would hate him for it later.

He wished there was a couch, because that would make it easier, but that clearly hadn’t been considered essential in the room’s design.

“No! I, uh, you don’t have to do that! I can sleep on the floor,” Spencer countered.

“I’m not letting you do that, you are taking the bed. I’m not kicking you out of your bed just because Elle,” Derek had to pause for a moment to calm himself down at the mention of his scheming friend, “spilt wine on what was supposed to be mine.”

Spencer held his ground though, with much more confidence than he had all evening.

“Well I’m not letting you sleep on the ground!”

They were at an impasse, neither of them willing to give up at all.

Derek sighed. “We can share the bed, but only if you want. Just tell me, and I’ll get on the floor.”

_ Elle will be proud her scheme worked, _ Derek thought,  _ I should not tell her as revenge for doing  _ **_this._ **

Derek knew he wouldn’t actually stick to that, as he hadn’t when he swore to himself he wouldn’t tell Elle the truth, but that was a matter for later.

Spencer nodded, and confidence apparently lost, shyly moved to the bathroom to get changed into his pyjamas.

Derek, having grabbed his bag from his previous room when he had moved JJ and Elle there, considered what he should wear. He would usually just sleep in boxers, but didn’t want to make Spencer uncomfortable - it was bad enough that their first time sharing a bed together was like this, and not what he had always imagined, something romantic and happy, not awkward and a last resort.

He decided to pull on a t-shirt and some tracksuit pants before climbing into the bed, waiting for Spencer.

Spencer left the bathroom in a matching flannel set, with little Star Trek patterns on it, something so uniquely  _ him _ it made Derek’s heart burst, before he reminded himself that no, he couldn’t think like that. 

Derek got up to turn off the lights, but turned back to Spencer, and the slightly apprehensive look he saw was enough to remind him of Spencer’s fear of the dark, something that he had been scared to admit haunted him into adulthood, but he had shared anyway, because they loved each other, and knew they could trust each other.

It made Derek wistful for those times, this whole scene was.

He switched on the small lamp that sat on the dresser, and couldn’t help but grin giddily at the soft, relieved smile on Spencer’s face. He resisted the urge to kiss him as he got back into the bed, and hastily faced away from Spencer to help his self-control. 

_ He doesn’t want me kissing him, _ he reminded himself, _ so I won’t. I can’t. _

Derek was so close to Spencer that he could smell the slight aroma of coffee that was from the ridiculous number of cups he had each day, and that was exactly what Derek had imagined on those bad days he had, when he needed to imagine Spencer was there beside him, not just there through a screen, or after the break up, not there at all.

The silence was tense with the words left unsaid between them, but Spencer put an end to that as he bid Derek goodnight. It was final, made it clear they would not be talking that night.

“Sweet dreams, Pretty Boy,” Derek said quietly, as he let sleep take him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!! leave me a comment to give me feedback, or just to show that you enjoyed it! :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back to a shorter chapter! but i hope you enjoy anyway :)

Derek woke up with a start to frantic breathing and pained pleas coming from next to him, and rolled over to see Spencer curled up on himself as he muttered desperately.

“Stop! Please! You don’t have to do this…”

The broken tone of voice was painful to listen to, knowing that something was tormenting Spencer in his sleep.

Derek could take a guess as to what the nightmare was about, but figured it didn’t really matter - all that mattered was calming Spencer down, getting him back to a restful sleep. He didn’t even care that he had been woken up at some hour of the morning that was ridiculous even for him and his early morning work-outs.

But he understood what it was like to be plagued by the most painful moments of one’s life in dreams, never allowing for peace in sleep. So Derek couldn’t be angry - only sad that he couldn’t save Spencer from the memories in his head or take his pain.

A conflict began in Derek’s head as he tried to work out the best way to deal with what was happening. He couldn’t leave Spencer there, hurting, tortured by his mind, but he couldn’t decide if he should wake him up or just try to soothe him back into a calmer headspace. Derek, in hindsight, wished that he had asked that so he would know now, but this wasn’t an issue he had expected to run into without the change to talk.

What also nagged at Derek was that this was only making things worse for him, only exacerbating the feelings he shouldn’t have had, even more so than the previous night had. Because this was personal, it was seeing Spencer at a low, and trying to help him out of it, as opposed to just a domestic image, not dissimilar to what he had always wished and waited for, despite the tension. 

Deciding that it would be easier for Spencer if he didn’t have to try and get back to sleep, Derek decided to try not to wake him up. He moved closer to Spencer, and rubbed his arm slowly in an attempt to replicate how he would calm a panicking victim.

His breathing remained uneven and fast, but Spencer became quieter, which Derek took to be a good sign. Slowly, Spencer began to breathe more normally, and Derek had to stop himself from sighing with relief.

_ He looks so calm now, _ Derek thought,  _ so peaceful and gorgeous. _

Derek knew he should stop his mind from thinking like that, because as Spencer had said, things were just going to be platonic between them, but he couldn’t help but indulge in those thoughts while he was able to blame it on his sleep-addled brain.

Unable to resist, he moved even closer to Spencer, breathing in the comforting smell of  _ him _ as he continued to run his hand up Spencer’s skinny arm. 

The intimacy of the moment was incredible, and especially now that Spencer was calm and at peace, Derek wished it could last forever. 

But all good things have to come to an end, as Derek knew, and was faced with the reality of, when he realised that he should probably get some more sleep before it was actually morning, and they would wake up for the plane, and this dream that he was living in would be over.

Even if he would inevitably have to forget it in the morning, pretend it never happened, he could treasure it for the moment, because it could be the only chance Derek would ever get to hold the man he loved in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! as always, i appreciate comments and kudos to let me know what you think :)   
> also, come talk to me on tumblr @abitcriminalminds


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoy this chapter! :)

Apparently, Derek was a girl.

Well, that was if you believed Garcia, JJ, and of course, his favourite scheming friend, who he was near certain was behind this invitation, Elle. The three of them had decided that they  _ required _ Derek’s presence at Girl’s Night, and honestly, he was afraid to say no.

He knew not to mess with those girls - he knew well enough what they could do to him if they wished, so he complied, and turned up to Garcia’s apartment, where they were all gathering.

“Hey girls,” he called as he entered the apartment, the door left unlocked for him.

“My Mocha Prince! You’re here! Come and take a seat!” She greeted him exuberantly as always. Derek smiled at her familiar antics. He loved her, in the most platonic way possible, and was grateful for being greeted by her, and not Elle - Garcia was the calm before the storm, although Derek wasn’t sure anyone could ever describe Penelope Garcia as calm.

Slightly apprehensive, he ventured further into the apartment, where he was first met by JJ, who had been in the kitchen pouring everyone wine. They briefly said hello to each other before Derek entered his own personal hell. The living room, where Elle was sat on the couch.

“Hi Derek,” Elle said, far too casual for his liking - she definitely had some sort of plan that was about to unfold, he knew it. There always was, especially since he had a feeling she knew, without Derek (or, he imagined, Spencer) having said anything, that her “get them to sleep in one bed” idea had worked well. Confirmation of that, which given Derek’s perfectly rational fear of those girls, she would surely get, was going to give her  _ far _ too much confidence in her matchmaking abilities.

He and Garcia, soon followed by JJ, took their places on the couch, and in Derek’s case, the armchair next to it. JJ thankfully offered him a temporary delay from the inevitable upcoming conversation by suggesting they watch a film. 

Elle picked one out, and although Derek had never seen, or even heard of the film before, he very quickly worked out why she had selected it. One of the central plot points was about a friend acting as a matchmaker.

When he realised this, he turned away from the screen to look at Elle, and gave her an exasperated look. Derek was quickly growing exhausted from her antics, and they had already proven to be tiresome enough so far.

She gave him an innocent look in return, as though she had no clue in the world what she had done to deserve Derek’s irritation. Even though she did. She definitely did. Elle was certainly some sort of demon, made especially to mess with Derek, behind her pretty face.

The film had lost the girls’ attention by half way through, much more interested in a gossipy discussion, which they (especially Elle and Garcia) were desperately trying to get Derek to join in on.

Throughout their chat, Elle kept sending Derek knowing looks from where she sat, and looked as though she was about to come out with his secret any moment.

While Derek hadn’t particularly been planning on coming out to his co-workers, he figured he were best to do it then, while it was on his terms, before Elle’s mouth became loose from the alcohol and it accidentally slipped - Derek knew that although she may annoy him with it, Elle would never, with her full inhibition, out him. Whilst irritating and nosy at times, she had never been malicious. Derek just never trusted lips that had been loosened by drunkenness to withhold secrets.

The gossip, as it almost always inevitably did, turned to talk of the group’s romances after a while, and Derek saw that as his chance.

“Any future Mrs Morgan’s in your life?” JJ asked him, in a jovial manner.

“Not really,” he began, nervously, “but possibly a Mr Morgan.”

Derek tried to smile lightly as he waited for their slightly alcohol-addled brains to catch up to what he had said. In the meantime, he came to the realisation that the tipsy part of his mind was clearly much more accepting and curious in regards to envisioning a future with Spencer - having referred to him as a possible husband.

What a crazy thought, that Derek couldn’t help but long would one day become reality, no matter how unlikely.

It was Garcia who first worked it out.

“Oh! No wonder the beautiful love between us never progressed to a whirlwind romance!”

She giggled away, Derek joining her, and JJ caught on too, congratulating him softly on coming out. 

“So who is this possible future Mr Morgan, Der, tell us more!” Garcia exclaimed.

It was at that point that Elle decided she no longer had any interest in staying quiet, nor did she have a reason to.

“It’s not a future Mr Morgan, guys, a future Dr Morgan. And yes, before you ask, I am talking about our Boy Genius.”

The other two girls recoiled in shock, before leaning in to hear more. A long night was in store for Derek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading! i would love to hear from you in a comment, or on @abitcriminalminds on tumblr!!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is super short, but i wanted to give a bit of spencer's pov! i hope you enjoy!

Spencer rarely understood his own emotions. He knew the basics, of course - he could tell happy from sad, and could easily tell when he was angry or excited. What he had more trouble with, however, was the intricacies. The specifics of his emotions were often very hard for him to define, especially when they got tangled up, and couldn’t fit into one of the base emotions that he knew like the back of his hand - or anything else he saw, given his memory.

Despite this, he did feel his jumbled up messes of emotion very strongly, something that in times like the current one, irritated him endlessly. How much easier would it be for him if he could just make decisions solely on the purely intellectual facts of a situation? Especially with life the way it was at the moment, he wished he could. Because nothing made sense, no with his emotions all jumbled.

Life was supposed to be great; Spencer had just started an amazing job, working with his mentor, and some really nice people (he still couldn’t believe how kind they were to him - JJ and Garcia especially). On the surface, his life was great.

However, if you looked a little deeper, there was the issue of Derek Morgan.

The Derek Morgan, who he had been in love with (and almost certainly was still in love with). The Derek Morgan, who he had broken up with, because of the job. The Derek Morgan, who he had just once again given up on a relationship with.

Unintentionally, Derek was complicating Spencer’s life severely. He didn’t give in to the temptation of wallowing in misery about that though - Spencer was very well aware that he had burst in, a major, unexpected disruption in Derek’s world. He wasn’t sure that he would ever be able to apologise to Derek enough for that, because no matter how unintended, he had made a mistake that was completely ridiculous of him to make - with his mind, how bad was it that he had disregarded, in his joy, that he would be on the same team as his love.

Spencer wished he could go back to the moment on the plane where he was cut off before he could say that he couldn’t pretend nothing ever happened. Because now he had to. Because he couldn’t speak fast enough.

Better yet, Spencer wished he could go back to when Derek was first joining the BAU. Back to when he made the stupidest decision of his life out of nothing but  _ fear. _ Unfortunately for him, however, even he wasn’t smart enough to have come up with any form of time travel yet, so he was stuck.

And he couldn’t do anything, not without going against what he and Derek had agreed to, and even though he was sure there had been something between them in the hotel room that evening, with Derek being so perfect and sweet and kind, he couldn’t just go back on their agreement.

That didn’t change how much he wished to share a bed with Derek again, didn’t erase his regret for what he had said, not once, but twice - turning Derek down. It didn’t change how much he hated the situation, or how messy his emotions were.

But there was nothing that he could do, so he would just live with it, and enjoy everything to the best of his abilities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading :)) please let me know what you thought of this - do we want more spencer, or stick to derek?


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, this is where the fic gets kinda dark. references to csa, both buford and in a (made up) case. please be careful, and read at your discretion. i will just say, there will not be scenes where this is graphic, however it will be referenced significantly.

As was the way of life when working for the Behavioural Analysis Unit, Derek had his sleep interrupted by a phone call. 

While it wasn’t exactly common for them to be called out in the middle of the night - normally their cases could wait until the morning - it wasn't a once in a blue moon occurrence either.

“Morgan, we need to get to the office ASAP. A young boy has been kidnapped, and we need to get on top of this,” Hotch said, through the phone, before promptly hanging up to call the rest of the team. He sounded weary, and Derek couldn’t tell if it was from the interrupted sleep, or from the atrocity that was the crime that had just been committed. Possibly both.

So up he got, out of bed - he didn’t mind so much, since the experience of sleeping with Spencer ( _ just sleeping! _ ) he no longer was as well rested, longing for that warm, lanky body to be in bed beside him. Derek hated that he missed it so much, but figured there wasn’t much he could do other than try and move on, acknowledging that it was in the past.

He pushed those thoughts out of his mind - he didn't have the time to be thinking like that, not when some poor little boy was somewhere, being faced with horrors that, as Derek knew better than most, no child should ever have to experience. That little boy didn’t have time for Derek to be wasting, wallowing in the misery of his unrequited love. 

The parents of the boy, who were surely worried sick, would be horrified to find out that one of the FBI Agents tasked with finding their son, saving him, was too busy considering his own woes in regards to romance. It was a trivial issue in the grand scheme of things, especially then.

As such, he raced around, getting ready, focused solely on getting to the office fast enough as to put the odds as far in the boy’s favour as possible. Derek hurried out the door and into his car as quickly as possible, not even stopping to say goodbye to Clooney, who was sitting dejectedly at the door, having been abandoned for the night.

It was the end of February, meaning the days were cool, but easily bearable to someone used to Chicago winters, but the nights were still frigid.

_ The poor boy, he must be freezing. _

Derek’s mind couldn’t help but flash back to his own time, spent in a cabin in the freezing cold, suffering a cruel form of torture. He prayed that the kid was going through something less painful than that, that maybe he had just run away, or had managed to escape, if he was being held.

He stepped on the accelerator harder. 

_ Fuck the traffic laws. A kid’s life is at stake! _

Before he knew it, he was parked, and walking into the office, where Hotch, Gideon, Spencer and Elle were sitting.

“We are just waiting on Garcia and JJ,” Hotch informed him as he entered the briefing room. There was a grim silence that overtook the room once those words had been spoken, everyone’s eyes alternating between studying the case files and watching the clock, well aware that with every second that passed, the chance they would find the boy alive decreased.

Thankfully, it was only a minute until Garcia arrived, JJ following just minutes after. Upon their entrances, Hotch began to inform them of the details of the case.

“Samuel Adams, 11, was taken from a camping site just a few miles away from here. He had gone to collect some sticks for a fire, however never returned. His parents reported him missing after they were unable to locate him, and that was when we were called in, as a result of the recent release of a hebephile from prison.”

They all shared concerned looks at the knowledge that this wasn’t just any creep who took children, but that this was someone who was going to hurt this sweet, innocent boy, in such an adult, painful way.

Derek’s worst fears were realised, knowing some of the ways that the boy, Samuel, was going to be scarred for life. His considerations of how miserable it was sleeping alone were long gone, replaced with fear, which he was trying to overwhelm with dedication to finding this kid, before it became something he would never recover from.

His brain went into focus, and he tried not to let anything else in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed! thank you for reading!
> 
> also, this fic is drawing to a close. i imagine there will be 3 or 4 more chapters, although that may definitely change!
> 
> let me know what you thought!!!!!!!!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again!! i hope you enjoy this chapter. there are similar tws as the previous chapter, although they are less major here, especially past the - between paragraphs that can be seen pretty early on.
> 
> just ask if you want to confirm anything about that! please use your discretion!! but i promise it gets less dark from here on. we are in the home stretch now!!

Spencer could tell something was wrong with Derek. He always took cases seriously, but normally he didn’t seem to be hit quite so hard by them. He was never quite this angry, never this terse, but this case was different. It could have been how pressing it was to find the boy, it could have been the horrors that the rest of the team had seen performed countless times (Spencer was not sure how they dealt with it, although he figured, at least they didn’t have each detail singed into their memories forevermore), but it felt like something more. 

When they had dated, Derek had never told him of any trauma even remotely related to anything like this. Spencer knew about his internalised homophobia, about the memory of his father, the video of his death that played on repeat sometimes in Derek’s dreams. He knew about the fistfights and scars from being a teenager. Derek had confided in him about those.

However Spencer had always felt that there was something more, something that had shaped Derek Morgan into the man that he was. Something he didn’t speak of, but something that explained why some of the scars he saw didn’t look like they had come from kicks or punches, why Derek had seemed so frightened of being with Spencer, like anything he said would hurt him.

And from the way it looked, from the way Derek was reacting to the case at hand, Spencer could make a vague guess at what it was. He wouldn’t, because even in his limited time with the team, he could tell that was one thing that they never did, when they could avoid it - profiling other team members. That didn’t stop Spencer’s heart from breaking at the realisation, didn’t stop him from being amazed by Derek’s strength, his bravery.

It made him wish once again that he could take Derek back, pull him close, kiss him softly, and comfort him. It made him wish that they had never broken up, so that the first time they touched wasn’t awkward accidental brushes against each other as they walked past, as nothing but co-workers, but instead were touches of a different kind, representative of a different relationship between the two.

Spencer tried his best to push those thoughts out of his mind. Derek clearly didn’t want him (or the rest of the team) to bring up, or even notice, his reaction to the case, so he wouldn’t. Regardless, he had to focus on saving the boy. Then he could deal with his personal life.

-

Thankfully, the team, once they put their heads down and got to work, were very efficient, barely hitting roadblocks in their progress. They had a good picture of the man they were looking for - what he was like, his past, who he was as a person, and as an unsub. Thankfully, they had also narrowed his location down to two addresses. 

They were splitting up into two teams to go to each building - Spencer, Derek and Gideon were being sent to what they assumed was less likely to be where he was with Samuel, but was still a possibility. There would be local police officers meeting them there, in case they did need back up.

The drive to the house was quiet - all three of them focused on finding the boy safely, getting him back home to his family, his friends, his life. There would certainly be an overwhelming sense of relief when this case was over.

Maybe it would be a chance for Spencer to talk to Derek, because watching him so angry, so hurt, so upset, proved that he couldn’t keep going, without at least saying he wished he could have said something different. He had to own up to his regrets. It was unusually assertive of him, but Spencer knew that it would be for the best, even though the idea was scary, rejection imminent.

That was to wait until after the case though, and that thought came as they arrived as to the house.

The haunting atmosphere certainly matched the crime that they were looking to help end, looking vaguely like a scene from a horror movie. The house, whilst not decrepit, looked dark and eerie, and Spencer hated that they had to go inside, his nyctophobia dreading it, despite the fact he would have his mentor, and his… Derek, beside him. It would be worth it to save the boy, though.

With the police standing back, ready to race in if needed, Derek banged on the door.

“FBI, open up!”

When no response was received, he kicked in the door (Spencer tried to keep his mind off of how hot that was), and they entered, clearing each room.

It became increasingly evident that no one was in the house, and they turned back around to leave, Gideon calling Hotch to warn him that they almost certainly had the unsub there, who informed them that they had apprehended him, getting Samuel back safely, and that they were just being checked over for minor injuries (“Nothing serious,” Hotch told them, “Just better to be safe.”). Derek, while still appearing to be on edge, seemed to calm significantly at that.

While leaving, however, in something only capable of someone with Spencer’s level of misfortune, he got caught in some sprinklers, which must have been set on a timer. As the only one on the grass of the front yard, with Derek and Gideon further back, he was the only one to get quickly drenched by them, dripping water everywhere by the time he managed to escape the spray.

Gideon looked at him exasperatedly.

“Well we can’t take you back in the SUV like this, did you bring your bag with clothes?”

Spencer, still new to the job, had never thought to put his go-bag into the car. When he made that clear, sheepishly, he earned himself a disappointed look from Gideon.

Thankfully, before Gideon could make some sort of scathing comment about how he should have known better, Derek decided to save him.

“Reid, you can wear some of mine, I have spares in my bag if you want to come and quickly change. They should be long enough, might be a bit big though.”

Spencer was taken aback by the offer, given the way things were between the two of them. Despite that, he took Derek up on the offer, very much wishing to be out of the sodden clothes he was wearing.

What Spencer didn’t realise, until he put the clothes on, was how torturous that was going to be. Wearing the clothes of the man he loved, such a domestic situation, something he had spent so long wishing for.

The torture was only compounded by the regrets, once again hanging over his head, that he had said the wrong thing, hadn’t been clear enough, that they had broken up.

It was as bad as sharing a bed, surrounded by that now familiar smell that was just so perfectly ‘Derek,’ that felt like comfort, like home.

He was more certain than ever that he would have to try being assertive for once, try stepping up and reaching for what he wanted. As such, on the car ride back, which was equally silent, he sent off a text to JJ, asking if she knew where Derek lived. He had a visit to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!! i hope you enjoyed - let me know :)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh the second last chapter! i hope you enjoy this :)

Spencer looked ridiculous in Derek’s clothes. He was wearing a hoodie and some sweatpants that Derek kept stored in his go-bag, and despite being almost the exact same height as Derek, if not slightly taller, they swamped him. 

They were unbelievably baggy on Spencer’s slight frame, and Derek was trying to decide whether he wanted to laugh at him, or pull him close because he just looked so cute. Derek wished he could choose the latter.

It was a nice distraction, anyway, to have Spencer there, hair still dripping, looking slightly miserable, yet quite cozy in Derek’s clothes, a distraction from everything that had happened over the last day, because while they had saved the boy, something Derek wished he could have been there for, he was, without a doubt, going to be haunted by those memories for the rest of his life.

As Gideon slowly drove the three of them back towards Quantico, Derek, for the first time, since Spencer had rejected him, allowed himself to entertain the idea of a relationship between them, of holding each other tight, of sleeping next to one another every night, of Spencer in Derek’s clothes on many lazy mornings. A picture perfect ideal.

Unlike usual, when Derek would be trying his best to get away from Spencer, lest he be tempted to indulge his love for the man, it was painful for Derek to leave him, to go home alone. He wanted more than anything to stay with him, but he couldn’t, as he reminded himself again. Spencer didn’t want that.

As such, he would never let himself, because he knew that he could never do anything that Spencer was less than enthusiastic about. So he would go back home, crash on his couch, and pretend that Clooney was good company (he loved the stupid dog, but really, not the best company for lazing around, most of the time.)

Derek was lonely, as he reluctantly admitted to himself. He hoped that maybe he could finally move on from Spencer soon, so that maybe he could work towards fixing that.

-

Clooney, as Derek had expected, had been excited to see him at first, however quickly meandered back to his dog bed when he realised that Derek wasn’t in the mood to take him out. He apologised to the dog as he made his way to the couch, grabbing a beer - anything to take his mind off of the day's events.

Derek flicked on the TV, searching through channels of documentaries, which only further reminded him of how much he missed Spencer, even when they only ever got to be with each other through a screen. Eventually, he settled on a rerun of an old football match that he absentmindedly watched, at least until he was interrupted by a soft knock.

He got up, assuming that it was just the delivery man, dropping off the pizza that he had ordered. As he opened the door, he was greeted with something far different.

“Hey Derek,” Spencer said from the porch of his house.”I thought that… Well I wanted to talk. Oh, and return your clothes!”

It took Derek a moment to break free of his shock and grab the clothes from Spencer, gesturing for him to come in. He lead Spencer to the couch, where he sat, and muted the television.

“So what do you want to talk about?”

Spencer looked at the floor, his restless hands fiddling endlessly.

“I can’t keep doing this,” he said, although there was little finality to his voice. Derek was about to ask more, get a better picture of what was going on for Spencer, when he continued.

“I can’t keep going on like this. It’s only been two cases and I can’t deal with this. I- I think that even Gideon has realised that there is something going on, and I’ve never wanted him involved in this part of my life. Although what I’ve always said was the truth, that I broke up with you because you were moving even further away, it wasn’t the only reason. Gideon told me having a relationship would impede my success, my chance at getting into the BAU.

“But now I’m here, I can’t keep doing this. I want to be with you, and I can’t pretend otherwise. I tried to tell you, but we got cut of, and then everything has just proven how stupid I was to have ever broken up with you, and if you don’t want me back, that’s okay, but I need to know, and I need you to know. I still love you, after all this time.”

There was a confidence in his words, one that Derek thought suited him much more than the awkwardness that had seemingly been following him at the BAU - not that Derek cared so much in light of Spencer’s admission.

His jaw dropped, and his eyes were wide. It was his turn to be the meeker of the two.

“You what? You, uh, love me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! let me know what you thought, here or on tumblr, @abitcriminalminds


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh so this is it!! the end!! i really hope you enjoy this, and see it to be a fitting conclusion to this story. it is really bittersweet to be finishing this, because i have loved writing this, but it is time to move on. thank you for all of your support throughout this fic!! i love you guys!!

Derek had known that once upon a time, Spencer had loved him. Maybe not as much as Derek loved him, but certainly there was love there. It wasn’t enough to stop him from breaking up with Derek, nor had it lasted for long enough for them to get back together when they had the chance.

That had been the impression that Derek had of the situation anyway.

Spencer’s visit had thrown him a curveball - he was being overwhelmed with new information, most importantly, that Spencer loved him, even after all this time, just as Derek still loved Spencer.

It gave them a whole new realm of possibilities for their futures, but it was unexpected and strange - as well as very sudden. It was frightening, and Derek almost wanted to run away, to not have to deal with it, because whilst he wanted nothing more, real life was very different to dreaming about it, there was so much more on stake, so much to lose.

Derek knew it would be worth it, but that didn’t make it any less frightening, not when he had already seen what he could lose, already gone through losing Spencer, and that was before he also had professional relationships and mutual friendships at risk.

  
There was no doubt that he would choose to be with Spencer, but he wished he could take a moment to think about it. Looking at Spencer, however, was all the proof he needed that he couldn’t take that time, as Derek could see Spencer’s confidence failing more every moment he went without saying anything, so he gathered his thoughts, and tried his best to achieve some semblance of eloquence.

“I love you too, Spencer. I always have.”

Saying it was easier than he had expected, even after so long. It was the truth, and he knew he had no other option than to say it - Derek thought that made it easier.

Watching Spencer’s eyes widen and his jaw drop slightly. It was nicer than the ever so anxious look that had been there just moments before, although not as breathtaking as his smile. Derek hoped that at some point in the evening Spencer would be smiling his gorgeous smile.

As a moment passed, and Spencer processed properly the implications of what Derek had said, his wish was granted. 

“You do?” 

He watched Spencer’s smiling face as he said that, the way he continued to fiddle with his hands, but in a much more excited manner than before, saw the joy that seemed to have overcome him, and Derek knew he had made the right choice, no matter what he could lose.

Because while he was risking many things, he was gaining a lot too. He would get to see more happy moments like the current one, get to see Spencer in his clothes many more times, and would be able to cuddle up in bed with him, comfort him, love him, but not from afar this time.

He tried to focus on his happiness to block out some of the anger and frustration he felt, for the case, that had stopped this from happening the first time, for Gideon, who had caused their break up in the first place, because there was nothing he could do to change that. Regardless, Derek could spend time later being angry or annoyed, but in the present, the moment was perfect, and he wouldn’t ruin that for anything.

As such, Derek did the only conceivable thing that he could think of to make it any better than it was. He kissed Spencer, in what was their first kiss as a couple, and if what he knew about Spencer hadn’t changed, his first ever. It was slightly awkward and new, yet perfect, something Derek wouldn’t exchange for something objectively flawless.

They had a lot to work out, that was true, but they also had something special, without worrying about all of that, just the two of them there together. Derek made the most of the moments of peace they had between them until it was interrupted by a knock on the door once again, this time actually being the pizza he had ordered.

Derek was grateful he had ordered more food than he needed as he brought it over to Spencer. As they ate, they softly reminisced about their time together in the past, and how excited each of them was for their future together. It was a fond domesticity that Derek was already enjoying more than he had ever thought imaginable.

When they finished eating, it didn’t take them long to decide that Spencer wasn’t going to be leaving that night, out of fear of their little bubble of perfection breaking, but also because neither wanted to be apart, not when they had been waiting years for this, both of them.

As Derek pulled Spencer tight in his arms, kissed him softly, he knew this was where he wanted to be, and wanted to stay for the rest of his life.

As Spencer felt Derek’s lips on his, as he cuddled into Derek, he knew that he had everything he could want, no matter how hard it had been to get there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading, i hope you liked this!! <3333

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed! please leave a comment and kudos if you enjoyed, and let me know what you liked and/or some constructive criticism :)


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